Twatty footballers

Apologies for the long post…

It is funny how well people can misunderstand some social situations.

For instance, joining a new club or sports team is always stressful. No one likes doing it, but everyone has to at some point in their lives and everyone in the club has done it.

Thankfully, sports are easier things to get into than most. The social rules are simple; be friendly but no overly so, play your game, keep your head down and work and above all, don’t be an arrogant awkward twat. Very simple. Everyone is a Mr/Miss/Ms Worrypants before the first training session/match, everyone knows what it is like to be in that position and everyone has been there before. The same social rules apply even once you are in the team, they just relax a bit.

I’ve played in the work footie team since I started here four years ago. I went through the nervous first game situation, I kept my head down, I played my game, I even sealed my “Vinnie Jones” reputation a few months in when I tackled my mentor, accidentally fracturing one of his lower vertebrae and doing his knee in. (We were both running after the ball, shoulder barging all the way and our feet got tangled up. Still good friends tho!). I managed to fit in without any bother and become a regular part of the team.

I’ve seen new players come and go, I’ve seen crap players who work hard, like myself, become better purely because of the opposition they face. I’ve been dropped to the subs bench (overly fat and slow!) and worked my way back on the team (lost the weight).

But I tell you, I’ve seen some right awkward arrogant twats come and go.

Some players can afford to be that way, they’re good at this sport. They know they’ll be one of the best on the field. Skill counts for a lot, skill earns respect, skill earns you a place on the team, skill gets goals, goals get victories. But if you’re skilful and not a team player, then you’re a pain in the arse but if you don’t get goals then you’re not worth having.

We’ve had several arrogant yet skilful twats on the team. Some of them are semi-professional goal scoring gods, a couple were worthless and soon stopped playing, I’ve seen quite a few come and go.

But now my successor has to deal with a new form of twat: The rubbish, non-skilful, non-team player, pain in the arse, stupid question asking twat. I was chatting to my successor the other day to find out how it was going, he said, “here, look at this” and showed me his inbox.

Usually the manager sends out an email asking who can play detailing the location, the opposition and the colour kit required. You usually send back the affirmative and perhaps a little piss-taking. We have the occasional match without a goal keeper, so it’s not unusual for everyone to be asked to do a small stint in goal.

From this one twat alone there were 5 emails instead of one, and it’s not like he hasn’t played for us before – he has played off and on for the last 2 seasons. Each email individually asking; where the match was, what colour kit to wear, demanding not to be a sub, demanding to play up front and categorically stating that he wouldn’t go in goal.

For fuck’s sake. The first two answers were clearly stated in the email. The second two should be stated as preferences and awarded on merit and the final demand – well look twat boy: No one wants to go in goal but because of this, “team” thing, we all take a turn. The only exceptions are for medical reasons, of which you have none, except cowardice.

Fucking prima donna – but he’s not even any good – he’s rubbish! He’s not even Sunday pub league. He was put straight on the subs bench, didn’t turn up for the game and surprisingly no one cried. One thing teams don’t need: Non-team playing, non-skilful twats.