Sunday, 11 December 2011

Twatty footballers

Apologies for the long post…

It is funny how well people can misunderstand some social situations.

For instance, joining a new club or sports team is always stressful. No one likes doing it, but everyone has to at some point in their lives and everyone in the club has done it.

Thankfully, sports are easier things to get into than most. The social rules are simple; be friendly but no overly so, play your game, keep your head down and work and above all, don’t be an arrogant awkward twat. Very simple. Everyone is a Mr/Miss/Ms Worrypants before the first training session/match, everyone knows what it is like to be in that position and everyone has been there before. The same social rules apply even once you are in the team, they just relax a bit.

I’ve played in the work footie team since I started here four years ago. I went through the nervous first game situation, I kept my head down, I played my game, I even sealed my “Vinnie Jones” reputation a few months in when I tackled my mentor, accidentally fracturing one of his lower vertebrae and doing his knee in. (We were both running after the ball, shoulder barging all the way and our feet got tangled up. Still good friends tho!). I managed to fit in without any bother and become a regular part of the team.

I’ve seen new players come and go, I’ve seen crap players who work hard, like myself, become better purely because of the opposition they face. I’ve been dropped to the subs bench (overly fat and slow!) and worked my way back on the team (lost the weight).

But I tell you, I’ve seen some right awkward arrogant twats come and go.

Some players can afford to be that way, they’re good at this sport. They know they’ll be one of the best on the field. Skill counts for a lot, skill earns respect, skill earns you a place on the team, skill gets goals, goals get victories. But if you’re skilful and not a team player, then you’re a pain in the arse but if you don’t get goals then you’re not worth having.

We’ve had several arrogant yet skilful twats on the team. Some of them are semi-professional goal scoring gods, a couple were worthless and soon stopped playing, I’ve seen quite a few come and go.

But now my successor has to deal with a new form of twat: The rubbish, non-skilful, non-team player, pain in the arse, stupid question asking twat. I was chatting to my successor the other day to find out how it was going, he said, “here, look at this” and showed me his inbox.

Usually the manager sends out an email asking who can play detailing the location, the opposition and the colour kit required. You usually send back the affirmative and perhaps a little piss-taking. We have the occasional match without a goal keeper, so it’s not unusual for everyone to be asked to do a small stint in goal.

From this one twat alone there were 5 emails instead of one, and it’s not like he hasn’t played for us before – he has played off and on for the last 2 seasons. Each email individually asking; where the match was, what colour kit to wear, demanding not to be a sub, demanding to play up front and categorically stating that he wouldn’t go in goal.

For fuck’s sake. The first two answers were clearly stated in the email. The second two should be stated as preferences and awarded on merit and the final demand – well look twat boy: No one wants to go in goal but because of this, “team” thing, we all take a turn. The only exceptions are for medical reasons, of which you have none, except cowardice.

Fucking prima donna – but he’s not even any good – he’s rubbish! He’s not even Sunday pub league. He was put straight on the subs bench, didn’t turn up for the game and surprisingly no one cried. One thing teams don’t need: Non-team playing, non-skilful twats.

Chuck Norris Facts

I just came across these "Chuck Norris facts" through Google. I know this is a non-political post, but these things are so funny that I've gotta post them. Here are a few of my favorites:

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Here's my attempt at a Chuck Norris fact relating to the Ohio Governor's race: Remember the Jim Petro ad that started off by saying "What does god expect of us?" It should've said "What does Chuck Norris expect of us?"

For more, check out

Content Generata

Nix Guy tagged here we go.

1. Name your favorite band and singer.

Band: Metallica. I'm a metalhead, and I've grown up on Metallica.

Singer: Right now, it's a three-way tie between Jason Smith of Shinedown, Don Dokken of Dokken, and Tom Keifer of Cinderella. Yes, I listen to alot of old-school 80's rock.

2. Favorite historical politician (domestic).
Barry Goldwater.

3. Favorite Historical Politican (International)

Winston Churchill. One of the best leaders of the 20th Century.

4. Favorite Modern Politician (in office now).

Steve Chabot. He's a great fiscal conservative. John Boehner's a close second.

5. Other than where you live now, what city do you like?

Crime rates aside, I've gotta go with Washington, DC. There's just something about that city.

6. Hollywood Pitch (25 word or less) about your blog — GO.

VikingSpirit: He goes to Ohio State. O-H...I-O!

7. Are you a Wilsonian Idealist or Nixonian realist in foreign policy?

A good mix of both. A Wilnixian?

8. Favorite Obsure movie?

Out for Justice. Here's why:

9. Favorite Restaurant


10. choose a music video on youtube. Why that one? - You'll see :-)

Shaq for Sheriff

can't believe this is true, but star basketball player, and one of the most intimidating men alive, Shaquille O'Neal, is running for County Sheriff in either Broward County or Orange County, FL. Here's the story from

SHAQ FOR SHERIFF?: Pro basketball star and volunteer Miami Beach reserve police officer Shaquille O'Neill on Monday confirmed political rumors that have been floating around Broward County, Florida -- my home -- for the past few months. Appearing on Live With Regis & Kelly, O'Neill was asked if he plans to go into law enfordcement full-time once he retires from the Miami Heat. O'Neill confirmed the rumors were true and that he was planning to run for either Broward County Sheriff or Orange County Sheriff -- both offices are up for re-election next year. As O'Neill has been openly shopping for multimillion dollar waterfront digs her in Broward for the past few months, it looks like he's considering a run against incumbent Broward Sheriff Ken Jenne (D). O'Neill is also believed to be a Democrat. South Florida newspaper have reported Jenne has been the target of a federal grand jury corruption probe for the past two years related to his private business deals and some personal loans, although it is unclear if anything will come of the probe. Jenne has vehemently denied any wrongdoing and said he plans to seek re-election next year.

Why Shaq? Because, in his words, he's sexy. Or because he's a businessman. Or because he attended Love Shaq University.

Did I mention he's a reserve cop?